Giving Up
From Elfi
Q&Rohaa for Glue group, by Rohaa (July 18, 2010)
People always say you should never give up on something or to keep trying, etc. Is there a point when you should give up on something or someone? When is it okay to give up?
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Emotions Behind Giving Up
Rohaa: Are you all aware of the emotions behind this question? There's a fairly clear sense of guilt, first of all. "If I give up on something, then I'm a quitter. Then I’m not rough enough. Then I'm not sticking with my commitment. I'll be a loser, a bad person."
Under that is an attachment to someone that you feel you want to "give up on", someone you care for, but you're not sure you can do without them even though something inside says maybe you should.
Under those two there's fear and loneliness; if it's ok to walk away from things.... what will I be losing? Maybe I'll lose more than I’m ready for? Will there ever be something or someone else if I give up on this one thing?
And lastly there's a tired, a hopeless, "Can I please stop now? Will someone tell me it's ok? I’m so exhausted, I can’t do this."
Student: Yeah those are all exactly right...I just didnt know how to put it into words.
Rohaa: You put it in emotions, which works too with some people :) Yeah, I know, and I'll be telling you that yes, it is alright to quit sometimes, to not finish something. That's ok. Tell me, have you ever given up on something big in your life before?
Student 1: I feel like im giving up on things all the time. I think the biggest thing I gave up on was last year I was trying to transfer to an out of state university but I just couldn't get all the finances and everything together so I gave up.
Student 2: I gave up living at home shortly after I turned 18, and I gave up on a 9 year relationship with my high school love.
Student 3: I was also transferred into a university once, gave up on it a week or two later after I got in.
Rohaa: There is a lot of guilt and self abuse about the things you're mentioning. "I quit, I did something wrong, I'm good for nothing, I should have stuck with it." Let's think a little further back.
Giving things up in childhood
When you were still a baby, you were really used to wearing diapers. You needed them, or things got messy. Your mom put them on you every day. And it was nice, because you didn't have to figure out this scary toilet thing. When eventually your parent(s) decided that you were old enough, they started training you to do without a diaper. Do you imagine that was a scary, sometimes frustrating thing for you back then? And you probably didn't want to use the toilet at first. You wanted to stick with this familiar thing. Yet someone else said "Look kid. It's time to move on to more adult things. It's time to change. It's healthy for you." And you did, and you found that because of giving up on this one thing, you suddenly had a lot more possibilities. You could go to school or sleep over without having to worry if someone would be there to change your diaper. You didn't have to sit in your own waste all day. You probably looked a lot better without all that padding :)
When we are little kids, people are always encouraging us to stop doing something familiar and try something new. Yet somewhere along the way, as we grow up, people suddenly seem to expect us to stay the same. Any idea why this is?
Student 1: I was going to say something along the lines of, people get used to a certain version of you, and when you change that it throws them off and they feel like you're not yourself anymore.
Student 2: Or they might be afraid if you change, what happens to them? How do they fit in with your life?
Rohaa: Absolutely. Those are both parts of the same thing. If you change, and they've gotten used to who you were, then you're turning their whole world upside down. That's scary for them. They dont know how they fit in anymore, they feel like they're losing something. So they try to keep you from changing.
That's not what this is about, though. At least not largely. People seem to have the idea that as you are growing up, you are growing towards some goal, some adult-self that you will then be for the rest of your life. This adult-self has a partner and an education and a job and perhaps kids, and some interests, and it's stable. It's also a lie. People dont stay the same. Changing is healthy, it's natural to who we are. If we try to hold on to some old thing too tightly, it takes away every opportunity we have of finding a new thing, of growing, of learning, of becoming something else. Yet, when we start something and dont finish it, for whatever reason, we think of ourselves as quitters, losers, failures.
Changing your mind
Have any of you ever made a decision, and then changed your mind on it? Yes? Even after you've already started this thing? So then you were being a quitter, you gave up, you were weak and you failed? Ah, feel the guilt there?
It's an insane believe that just because we made a decision once, this decision will stick with us forever and we are never allowed to change it without feeling a lot of guilt and fear and hate for ourselves. Let me tell you a story.
When my folks first got married, my mother might have said "Wow, this is a beautiful blue vase. I really like this blue vase." And my father would have bought it for her. Her next birthday, she would get a really expensive, pretty blue vase. So far, not a problem. But 20 years later, my father was still giving her blue vases at every occasion. Even though she had dozens of them already, and she'd said more than often "Look, it's really nice of you, but my tastes have changed, I don't like blue vases anymore. That first one was beautiful, but.... I don't like all blue vases, and I won't like blue vases for the rest of my life." He couldn't understand this. He got very angry with her for not appreciating his efforts, because "You said you liked blue vases! It's always been like that!" And she got frustrated every time she got a present, something that should have been a happy, intimate moment. All because my dad believed that if you decide on something once, you can never change it again.
Now most people are not so extreme, but subconsciously they feel the same way. "You once said this. Therefore it's always true. Therefore you must stick with it and never change it, no matter how you've changed or what else you would like. Because you once said this."
"You said you love me. I've been an asshole for 20 years, but you said you love me, therefore you will be a traitor and a bad person and not at all a decent human being if you don't want to put up with my abuse anymore." ...What? No.
It is perfectly ok to decide on something, to have a goal, a preference, a dream, an idea, a believe.... and then to grow and change and re-evaulate and get a different goal, a different preference or dream or idea or believe. That is ok. That does not make you a bad person. That does not make you guilty of anything at all except of changing and making your own decisions. Which is not a crime, it's a necessity of life.
Flaky vs. flexible
Student: But what if you're always changing your mind?
Rohaa: You mean what if you are flaky? If you cant stick to one thing and finish it? If you're always floating around with no direction?
I just said it's perfectly alright to change your mind, to change who you are, to make different decisions about anything and everything in your life that doesn't suit you anymore. But should you do so all the time? Every year? Every month? Every 5 minutes? Of course not.
To decide "This doesn't suit me anymore, it's not appropriate for me now, I'll make a new decision" is a thing of power. It's knowing who you are and what you want, and not being afraid to change your life to fit that. To decide "I know I wanted this once, but now that I'm looking at it, I get really really scared and I don't think I can do it, and I best quit now so it won't look like I was a failure at it later".... that is not a thing of power. That is acting from fear.
It is scarier to us to really go for something, to give it everything we've got, and to run the risk of failing at it, than it is to never start, or to quit before we get serious about it. Because if we quit, we can always tell ourselves "Yeah, I chose to quit, I'm a bit of a loser, but I could have done this thing if I hadn't quit." If you really try at it, and you fail.... you can only tell yourself "I suck at this. I'm not capable of this thing at all. I have to give up every dream I had about this and every illusion that I had this skill, because I've proven to myself that I don't." See the difference?
The motivation behind your decisions
There's a third kind of decision that has a little bit of both. It says "I have absolutely no idea what I want with my life. I"ve dozens of voices in my head telling me what to do, but I don't know who I am or who I should listen to, so I"ll just try lots of different things, and as soon as I realise that it's not 100% perfect what I was looking for, and it's a little harder than I"d have liked, I'm moving on to the next thing." This one at least tries to do something that's true to who they are and what they want, which shows integrity.... but it doesn't show power. There is no follow up, no dedication, no discipline. I'm sure you're all familiar with that one as well.
How often in your life did you try something for the very first time, and it was instantly awesome and a perfect fit for you? Agreed, not very often. So is it a surprise that in this third kind, people usually don't find this special, perfectly fitting thing that they're looking for?
It is always, always healthy to re-evaluate the choices and decisions you have made in your life, and to check if they are still appropriate to who you are today, if you still want these things, or if they are due a change. But it is also necessary to realise what is motivating you when you are re-evaluating. Is it a fear of not succeeding? Is it laziness? Is it your mom telling you what you should do? Is it alcohol?
Tell me, usually when you want to quit something or give up on something, are you in the middle of a lot of strong, chaotic emotion? That's a bit like making important life decisions when you're drunk. It's perfectly ok to feel strong emotions, you don't need to make your decisions from some sort of logical mr Spock state of mind. But if those emotions are chaotic and crazy and based mainly in fear, the decision you'll be making probably won't be the one you would have made when you were more stable. When you're drunk, it may seem like an awesome idea to sell your house and move to Timbuktoo. While when you're sober, you realise "Oh wait. My wife has a baby on the way, it'll have to live somewhere. I'm just scared of this big change in my life. What is it I really want? Do I want to move to another place? With or without wife and baby?" And then, you can still decide to move to timbuktoo. But it'll be a decision based on who you are today and what you want with your life. Not some inner fear screaming at you, or alcohol putting silly ideas in your head.
Decision, discipline, dedication
There are three aspects to this. The first we've already talked about a lot: decision. Either you make it from a sense of who you are and what you want, or you make it from a fear or a lack of knowing what you want. If it's based on the first, it's always, always ok to change your mind and make a new decision. If it's based on the second, you're still not a bad person. You're confused and perhaps not very brave. Surprise, neither is most of the world. There's no need to beat yourself up for that. You just acknowledge that fear or laziness or confusion is what you based your decision on, you step back, and you make the decision again from that other place, or as close to it as you can get. And if you realise two weeks from now you were wrong, that something else is much more important to you right now... you go do that. This way, if you can stay aware of why you are making decisions, you will only ever get closer to who you are and what you want out of life. This seems obvious, right? Sure, it takes awareness, and being honest with yourself when you're acting from some fear....but it's not "omg I'm acting from fear, I'm a bad person!" It's just "Oh, there's a fear. What's this fear about? This fear doesnt need to rule my life, I can let go of the fear and make my own decisions. Yay, freedom."
The second step is discipline. You have some steps you need to take to where you're getting, and you do them. Even if it's not fun sometimes, because this decision is important to you. This includes plotting out what exactly is necessary to get you from where you are to where you want to be, a sort of battle plan if you will. A structure to follow.
Just decision and discipline aren't going to get you there, though. You can decide, from a true sense of self, that you want to work at the library. You apply, you get the job, and your first day at work, you run into a lot of very rude customers who are treating books terribly. And you go home, you think "God, this is too hard, I dont like this at all, I quit!" When you keep coming back to your original decision, because it's still appropriate to you, and you refuse to back down because it gets hard, that's dedication. That's the third step. If at some point you want to make a different decision, fine. But while you've made this, you stick with it, and you work hard to get there, and you don't quit.
Quit selfbashing
What is it that makes you feel like you're a bad person when you quit something? Why do you feel so guilty? Where's all this judgement and guilt coming from?
Student 1: From myself, my thoughts.
Student 2: I dont know exactly. I just feel guilty because I feel like ir was something I was supposed to be doing and quitting just means I wasn't strong enough or good enough to continue with it. Someone stronger/better wouldntt have quit.
Rohaa: So part of you realises that you quit based on some fear, and it hates it that fear is running your life. That's why the guilt. Because clearly you screwed up. You should have done better. You feel like a coward when you let fear win. Like you've really let someone down. Usually, whether you realise it or not, the someone you've let down is indeed yourself.
So, you can struggle forever with guilt and self bashing, or you can realise it's all about how you feel about you. If you let yourself down on something, check if this thing you did was in line with your decision. Was it something you wanted? If yes, you didn't let yourself down at all, it's just other people who dont like it. Oh well. If no, if you did something that was not in line with your decision (you chickened out, it got too hard, too much work, too scary), you can either re-evaluate and make a decision that's more attainable, or you can stick with this one, and practise dedication and discipline. Either way, beating yourself up doesn't get you any closer to your goals. It just makes you feel incapable and useless, and while you're feeling incapable and useless.... I promise you you won't be rocking your world with how awesome you are.
Quitting or Clinging?
So, part of you realises that you quit based on some fear, and it hates it that fear is running your life. Did you know that you can quit based on fear, but you can stick with it based on fear just as well? Can you give me some examples?
Student 1: Staying in a bad relationship.
Student 2: I used to be afraid of quitting a game that I used to try to keep up with others on.
Student 3: Security blankets. Some people still keep those out of fear, same with keeping a holy bible around and going to church.
Rohaa: How about studies? Jobs? Locations? Possessions?
Student 2: Those too. Holding onto those when they dont fit anymore.
Rohaa: Exactly. So if it's a fear that's making you stick with something... are you a bad person for quitting, for giving up on it? Of course not.
The person who asked the original question today, there's a person you're thinking about giving up on. You're afraid to give up on them. What's the fear about? Just think about giving up on this person, put your energy in your guts like your teacher's taught you, and pay attention to what feelings come up. They'll tell you a lot about why you're afraid to give up on them.
Student: I dont know exactly. I think its because I feel like if they couldn't love me no one will be able too. Like they knew me so well and they couldn't love me so how is anybody going to? And like I put so much of myself into that relationship and if I give up...that's just wasted energy I guess.
Rohaa: But you're not happy with them.
Student: No. I used to be.
Rohaa: Like the baby with the diapers we talked about. Sometimes, giving up on something that worked really well for you once but doesn't any longer is a chance to start exploring something new, something wonderful that you could never have gotten to while still clinging to that old thing. You wouldn't be a functioning adult today if you hadn't given up on all the baby toys and behaviours when you were younger. And you will probably never be in a functional relationship if you can't give up on the things that really don't work for you anymore.
Giving up is ok. So is fighting for something
I'll say it again. Giving up on things, as long as it is in line with who you are and where you want to be in life, is not a bad thing. It's healthy. You cant grow if you cling to all the things in your past. And if letting go is scary, ok. Recognise that fear. Honour it for trying to keep you safe. But don't let it rule your life.
It's no different with a person than with a thing. It's your life, and you are responsible for it. No one else is going to make the decisions for you that lead you closer to who and where you want to be, and no one else is going to harass you so that you stick with it and get there. That's your job, and yours alone. Making decisions that get you closer to that, and letting go of the things that are in the way of that, cannot possible make you a bad person. It can only make you more you. Which is exactly who you're supposed to be.
And the same goes for everyone else. Not your responsibility to make decisions that make them happy. That's their own responsibility. Your responsibility is to make your own decisions. Based not on fears, but on who you are and what you want, or as close as you can get to them. And then to stick with that, and re-evaluate when needed.
Who you are will change. It must. So your decisions will change, too, and the things you want to keep in your life. That's healthy. So yes, that sometimes means giving up on things, or on people, or on ideas and believes. And sometimes, it means really going for something and fighting for it and nothing will stop you. It all depends on your decision. Is this important to you? Is it what you want in life, is it making you happy, is it who you are? Or is it fear based? If the first, go, get it, and let nothing stop you. If the second, let it go... and then find something that IS you, that does make you excited and happy and feels right, and go get that with everything you've got.
