Control Drama
From Elfi
Contents |
What is a Control Drama
When you interact with other people, be it family or friends or random strangers, have you ever noticed that you feel tired after, or frustrated, or like you just fought a battle? And that you tend to get into the exact same arguments with people over and over again and that soon enough it's not about the actual topic at all anymore?
That's because you very often *are* fighting a battle with them. We do it all the time, whenever we're low on energy, we try to draw other people's attention and energy to us. They do the same, using their own strategies, and before you know it you have a tug of war for energy on your hands
Afterward, both parties feel dissatisfied and drained because of all the tugging. People don't do this because they're mean or stupid or trying to get your energy, they are simply trying to gain energy and keep the upper hand the only way they were ever taught.
We call these strategies "control dramas". They're very well described in James Redfield's book the Celestine Prophecy if you want further reading.
4 types of Control Dramas
There are four basic types, no more, and they are very different in approach. We can and will use all of these four control dramas at times, but we tend to have a strong preference for one (our primary control drama) and have another one we readily use as backup.
The Intimidator
- Active or passive: Active.
- Opposed to: The Poor Me.
- Examples: The school bully who is physically intimidating, the boss who says "Because I told you to!" and doesn’t care for your input.
The Intimidator gets attention by using aggressive tactics and making the other party feel scared. This makes you watch them very carefully, because you don't want them to yell at you, or hurt you in any way. Arrogance is also something that goes well with intimidators; they like showing off their power, or making others think they have power and be afraid of that.
The Interrogator
- Active or passive: Active.
- Opposed to: The Aloof.
- Examples: The perfectionist who makes you feel like you're less than them, the cousin who wants to know all about you, just to tell you what you're doing wrong.
The Interrogator goes for a little less active approach than the Intimidator and instead asks a lot of questions. They aren't as physically threatening as intimidators, but they are very good at criticising, usually in a hostile way. They'll keep nagging about your faults and mistakes, asking probing questions at exactly those areas you don't want probed. This will make you defensive and you end up sending energy their way because you try to prove yourself or answer them.
Interrogators may try to look like they're saying things in your best interest and just want to make sure that you're considering what you're doing properly. They may act very concerned, but they still make you feel backed into a corner by their questions and logic. They want to hear how right they are, and how you'll follow their advice from now on.
The Aloof
- Active or passive: Passive.
- Opposed to: The Interrogator.
- Examples: The person sitting alone at a party, the father who seems unapproachable and too busy for you.
The Aloof is much more passive. They will withdraw and let you come to them. If you want them to respond, you'll have to give them a lot of energy, or they simply won't react. Aloof people are very caught up in their own world. They pretend not to care about you or anything else and wait for you to come draw them out. They don't want commitments, think they have to do everything by themselves (and secretly hope you'll come get them), need lots of space and keep their distance.
The Poor Me
- Active or passive: Passive.
- Opposed to: The Intimidator.
- Examples: The overwhelmed students who says they can't do it, the lover who blames you for what's wrong in their life.
The Poor Me tries to make you feel sorry for them, so you'll want to fawn all over them to make them feel better and give them energy. The poor me don't ever feel like they have the power to confront the world in an active way. You can try to help them as much as you like, it won't work; they don't want you to fix their problem, they want you to give them attention and energy.
How to handle Control Dramas
You can get more than enough energy from all around you and from positive interactions with people that you both benefit from. You don't need Control Dramas for energy. The way to deal with these control dramas, is not to play. If you respond to their drama with one of your own, you're caught in it again.
Before you can choose not to play, though, you need to recognise what they (and you!) are doing.
Our dramas are formed very early on in childhood. So if you want to find your primary drama, start by looking at your parents. You'll likely have either the same, or the opposite drama as your primary caregiver. Once you've identified your primary drama, step out of it and make sure not to fall into your back-up drama.
The In Power of Control Dramas
There is a flipside to these dramas, a talent or gift hidden under them. Generally the gifts are reversals of the Control Drama. This is the In Power version of the Control Drama.
Intimidators tend to hurt people. The flipside of that is that they have a great talent to heal.
Aloof are really good at running away. The opposite it that they are great at drawing people to them. They make awesome leaders and connect people to themselves and to each other.
The flipside of Poor Me is comforting, nursing, guiding.
